Love Bleeds
By: Steven Andrew Schultz
I’ve been avoiding writing this. Since she died, this is the one thing we still had left to do together, and it’s as if once I finish writing her tribute, that final period is it, we won’t have anything left to do together.
Yesterday, February 6hth, 2026, our song came on the radio, “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis. I did not realize until later, this was the day before she died. Taryn would insist we roll down the windows for that song, and she would belt out those tunes to her heart’s desire, and when that chorus hit, she got the shy guy next to her to join in, too. And I never sing, but Taryn was that friend that was so free of judgement, she could transform “nevers” into now!
I turned to glance at my empty passenger seat, and pictured her there, hair flowing in the wind, and I rolled the windows down, hoping it would be a heavenly invitation and somehow, she could make a surprise appearance like when the moon is visible during the day.
A few flicks of my left thumb on the button on my steering wheel to increase the volume, so she could hear her song. “Closed off from love, I didn’t need the pain, Once or twice was enough and it was all in vain.”
It was the first time I actually paid attention to the lyrics of the song. Before it was just a catchy vibe that my friend would blast the volume to and so singing together, we had a blast! It was pure unadulterated bliss. But now, I started to listen to the words of that song my friend got so excited about:
“Time starts to pass, before you know it, you’re frozen, ooh.
But something happened for the very first time with you,
My heart melts into the ground, found something true,
And everyone’s looking ‘round, thinking I’m going crazy, oh.
But I don’t care what they say, I’m in love with you.”
Youtube link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_weSk0BonM&list=RD7_weSk0BonM&start_radio=1
As I started singing the song, I realized it was the first time I had to sing it solo. And it was the first time I wondered if those lyrics she would sing as she looked directly at me many years ago and danced around the car and shook her head and her hair flung around in the wind like a wild horse free on the beaches of an uninhabited ocean, I wondered if those words song by Leona Lewis were actually Taryn trying to tell me something?
In my early-twenty-something-year-old naivete, was I missing out on a message? Being on the autism spectrum, I don’t pick up on social cues or subtleties, I need loud, direct, clearly stated, neon sign, billboard messages. But women rarely speak like that; women speak in Morse code that many men can’t translate.
Only at her funeral did I understand that Taryn really loved me. Autism means to live internally, but Taryn would show a love that allows you to live eternally. In our early and mid-twenties, Taryn and I were close friends. I was living with her best friend Katie Trott, and Taryn gave me the nickname of ‘Roommate” and although Taryn was not on our lease, she practically lived with us. Like the show Friends, which was her favorite, she was always over, and her son would play with Katie’s son, and I would play make-believe games with both of them, and I would later learn that my ability to play in a make-believe world and entertain their sons, made them both enamored by me.
I was in Neverland and Taryn and Katie were my pixie dust, and together we made Happy Thoughts every day that I thought would last forever. But life is not Neverland, and people grow up. Soon Taryn and Katie would get married, and Taryn moved away and our relationship went from one of close proximity to digitally, kept alive through social media and text messages. Taryn meant so much to me, but I didn’t fathom that I mattered to her too.
Most people in my life wanted something from me, but no one seem to want me, except for Taryn. She was genuine gold in a gift shop full of counterfeit gems. At her funeral, I understood I was more to her than a memory of her youth, as person after person came up to me and said with excitement, “Oh, you’re roommate. Taryn spoke so highly of you.” Each time stunned me, as I did not know she spoke about me to her friends. I erroneously thought she saw me as a vintage jersey that someone takes out of the attic time-to-time to remind them of time gone by, but Taryn was still wearing me like her favorite jacket. I wasn’t a relic; I was still present in her life.
The Speech I gave at her funeral:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHJonoOFtGU&t=4s
Even after death, her love was still making me feel loved. That is what she was so brilliant at: making others feel loved. And now it’s almost a year to the day she died, and I was riding in my car singing our song and understanding it through her lens for the first time and was reminded that love is the only source that defeats time. Like doesn’t last but Love never expires.
Taryn’s love is like a jar of honey; it never goes bad and everything you add it to tastes better because of it. I keep one of those teddy bear shaped honey jars on a shelf in my classroom, to remind me of her and to inspire me to give all my love away each day, with no thought of anything in return, but love is a gift that always appreciates over time. Through love you live forever. The dead body is not our remains; the love we gave away in life is what remains.
So, there in my car, as the chorus hit, I heard her. She was singing with me because she never stopped singing with me. Cancer took Taryn Audrey’s physical proximity away but transformed her into an eternal intimacy that stays, that sings!
Can you hear her? The chorus of our song goes:
“Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
Oh, you cut me open and I
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love.”
To keep bleeding means you might be losing life, but to keep loving means you never fully die. Taryn Audrey is this song for she was cut open many times, and she chose to keep bleeding love. She didn’t bleed revenge, or cruelty, or meanness, or lose her faith in Jesus, she kept bleeding love. When she was betrayed by the person she loved the most and he left her, that really cut her open, but Taryn never became “closed off from love because of the pain” she kept bleeding love and found a boyfriend even while battling cancer.
When she was given terminal cancer and had to go to hospital visit after hospital visit, knowing she wouldn’t get to see her three babies fully grow, that cut her, but she kept bleeding love. Even towards the end, as I was angry with God for what was happening to her and so many others in suffering, she kept praising Jesus…Taryn kept bleeding love.
In fact, the last thing Taryn ever sent me, a day or two before she died, was a literal heart emoji…as she was fighting to breathe, she kept bleeding love.
I only wish I visited more. I didn’t want to take time away from her and her children and family and friends for some old friend, but at her funeral I found out she never stopped bleeding love for me either.
Towards the end, I asked her if I could interview her and put her answers in a tribute article I would write for her. As she always did, Taryn sent me compliments of how much she liked my writing and how she would love to be one of my articles. I sent her the first batch of questions with a in-person interview to follow. She emailed me back her answers, but cancer never gave us the opportunity for the in-person interview.
I will cherish that my final words to my friend was: “Sending you love. Praying. What can I do?” And my friend’s final gift sent to me was her heart, both as an emoji and from all the people at her funeral who let me know her love for me was not something from the past, but very much still present.
Love is never a period but an ellipsis, meaning with death there is pause, but something more is to come…Her love and God’s love is always present, and her death cut me open, but I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love…
Here are the words of Taryn Audrey:
What is my message to the world?
Take risks. Laugh. Forgive. Be kind.
What is my message to my kids?
“Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. You’re going to do great things, I already know. God’s got his hand on you so don’t live life in fear. Forgive and forget, but don’t forget why you’re here. Take your time and pray.” -Sidewalk Prophets
What have been some of the most important lessons I’ve learned?
The only things that matters in this life on Earth are love and the relationships I have. It’s that simple. Distractions and deception have consumed us.
What do I wish I knew when I was younger?
I wish I understood then how much the decisions I made when I was younger would affect me later in life – the easy, hard, good and not-so-good decisions. Every thing in my life – relationships, work, hobbies, etc. – is tied to a decision I made at some point.
Personal message to Steve?
I believe you are doing the Lord’s work. His will for your life is apparent to anyone who’s known you for 5 minutes or 5 years – spreading love and kindness. You have and will continue to make a difference in many, many lives. Your influence is priceless. The genuine intention, loyalty and meaningfulness within you can’t be missed.
Who would I want to spend my last day alive with and what would we do?
What are some of my favorite memories with Steve?
Random drives around town, going to the movies, late night game nights, our laughing fits and inside jokes.
How has the divorce, becoming a single parent of 3 kids then being diagnosed with a rare cancer impacted my faith in God?
At first, I grew distant from the Lord and fell away from my faith. I didn’t understand why my then-husband wanted out. I had no idea how I was going to care for a home, work full-time and care for 3 kids and 2 dogs alone. I couldn’t believe I was diagnosed with cancer. It all happened within 7 months and it was a whirlwind. I didn’t know up from down. The kids and I didn’t have enough time to properly grieve the loss of our family before the diagnosis was given. We were thrown back into a storm while still trying catch our breath from the last one. But, in the darkest of times I found God again. He showed up in big and small ways. My feelings of loneliness, confusion and anger miraculously turned into comfort, clarity and an inexplicable sense of peace. Over time, my relationship with God has grown deeper. The last year and a half has completely changed who I am as a person…ask anyone who knows me well.
