By: Steven Andrew Schultz

Almost all pleasure and almost all pain in your life comes from the people in your life. Your biggest disappointments will come from expecting other people to give you the same love you give them. That’s tantamount to expecting everyone to be able to lift as much weight as you when you have bigger muscles. It’s just not possible.

Picture this! You’re in the gym lifting weights and your partner can’t lift as much weight as you can. Would you blame yourself because they aren’t as strong as you are? Would you be angry with them or hurt by them because they can’t lift as much as you can? Of course not! But isn’t that exactly what we do when someone doesn’t lift us up in love the way we carried and elevated them? When we feel the love we give is unrequited and our generosity not reciprocated, we wonder what is wrong with us and why aren’t I worthy? We wallow in not being enough.

My friend Mitch, who is a professional personal trainer and quite buff and substantially stronger than me, invited me over to lift weights with him and I felt inadequate and kept apologizing because he kept having to remove weights to a level I could lift and then add more weight when it was his turn, and he said to me, “I can’t be mad at someone who isn’t as strong as me. It’s not your fault.”

Right there and then, in that garage of his, I had an epiphany about the physical pain the weight room causes and how it relates to the emotional pain when someone isn’t as strong as you and can’t give you the love you deserve and need.

Someone’s ability or inability to love you has nothing to do with you, but is tied to their ability or inability to love.

Just as someone’s ability to lift a certain amount of weight in the gym has nothing to do with how strong you are, but how strong they are.

When you lift weights, what happens to your muscles? The tear and rip. But if you put the right protean in your body, your muscles grow back bigger. The process repeats! To get strong, you will have to consistently push, pull, press, curl, and lift weight that is a struggle and will leave you feeling sore…but in time, stronger than you were before.

Just like in the weight room where you need to increase reps and weights to keep increasing your strength, you will have to lift “heavy people” repeatedly to grow your heart muscle. And by “heavy” people I don’t mean obese, but those who don’t love you back or are unkind, rude, selfish, mean, inconsiderate, annoying, unfriendly, dastardly in every way. People who tear you down are like the weights that tear your muscles. Showing them love anyway is the protein that makes your heart grow back bigger.  The mean people who rip you leave your love muscles looking ripped.

If you can bench press 200 pounds but your partner can only bench press 100, you wouldn’t leave your plates on the bar and expect them to just be able to lift it, that would be impossible and dangerous. Nor would you feel there was something wrong with you because they are weaker than you are. One can only lift what they’ve trained their muscles to lift…and one can only love the weight they’ve trained themselves to love.

No matter how much you love that person, no matter what you give, there is no way they will be able to quickly increase their ability to love you. Just as, no matter what my friend Mitch did, he could inject me with steroids and pre-workout and give me motivational speeches belonging in movies, I am not going to be able to move as much weight as him. Not today, not in a week, not even a month. It takes a long time to gain emotional and spiritual muscle too.

So, the next time someone lets you down or hurts you by failing to show you the love you showed, remember what my friend Mitch said, “I can’t be mad at someone who isn’t as strong as me. It’s not your fault!” Just like the weight room analogy, their weakness isn’t your wrongness. There is nothing wrong with you, they just don’t have the capacity to love you the way you deserve yet…and, maybe, they never will.

Look at it this way: many of my female students used carry those huge gallon-sized Stanley cups. One day a student came to me crying telling a story of how much she gives to her boyfriend and how he doesn’t give as much in return. I told her that her heart is like her huge water bottle and her boyfriend’s is like this mini water bottle. I told her she could pour a little of her water into his bottle and fill him up completely, but he could pour his entire container into her and her giant Stanley water bottle would still feel empty. I did a demonstration on love capacity. Someone may be giving you all they have but if you have a giant heart, their love can’t quinch your thirst, but leaves you parched.

The stronger you are in the gym, the more people you can spot. Like having a giant water bottle, however, the stronger you get the fewer people can spot you. Which makes growing large love muscles means you have the strength to lift people with ease, but almost everyone you meet will never be able to fill you up and make you feel loved. The most loving people are often the most lonely. They spot everyone else, but have no one to spot them, so they have to lift alone, which makes their pursuit of gains even more a selfless act of love.

If you want to start healing, you must start kneeling and washing the feet of the offenders who failed to give you to boost of love you granted them. By replacing your anger for what they are with compassion for what they aren’t able to be, you become more loving.

Here’s how:

If you are lifting weights with a friend who isn’t as strong as you are, you would remove some of your plates before it was their time for reps, and you being the stronger individual, would probably spot them and help them as they lift.

Just because you can spot them doesn’t mean they will be able to effectively spot you because you are stronger than them. Their weight is easy for you while your weight may be undoable for them.

They may continue to get stronger and eventually lift more weight over time, but it will take months of daily discipline and intentional practice for that person to make a significant increase in the amount of weight they can lift.   The same is true with lifting love. A parent, friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, sibling, coworker, or anyone in your life whose lack of love has hurt you, will take a long time before they can increase their strength to show you the love you want. And many never will. There are millions of people with gym memberships who never go to the gym. Just as there will be people who will always treat you badly no matter how good you are to them. But for all those jealous of the shadow your light casts, there will be more who will want to know how they can get fit too because they witness your strength.

My friend Pepe, pictured above, isn’t just physical fit, but spiritually. Every time I see him or speak to him he tells me he loves me. Men need to make saying “I LOVE YOU” common speech.

Just like fitness influencers on social media get people in the comment section trying to bring them down, there are others in the DM’s asking them for their routines and meal plans and wanting to be trained by them. Most people only read the negative comments but aren’t privy to the DM’s thanking you for sharing your light.

Just like the fitness influencers inspire others to get in better shape, you modeling love will elevate others to be more loving. You having bigger love muscles will inspire others to want to increase how much love they can lift too. Love given is always a double tap impact. When you add more love to someone, they are able to love someone else more. That’s your impact too. The love compounds and becomes abound and more people get healed. Becoming strong in loving will make the weak jealous of your spiritual fitness. 

Like I mentioned, on every fitness influencers post on Instagram are an amalgamation of two types of comments, what I call the Knock Downs and the Kneel Downs. Those trying to knock down probably make some comment about steroids or put a shirt on. You have to learn to love the haters too by keeping your focus on all those in your DMs who give thanks to you and who are getting stronger in love because of you, increasing all those double tap impacts.

To lift a lot of love, you must respond with love to both the Knock Downs are the Kneel Downs. You can’t hate someone into loving, but you can love someone out of hating. Love doesn’t always work but love is the only thing that does. The guys posting the shirtless photos will remind the mean people how they don’t look and will remake the loving people how they want to look. Invoking inspiration also brings mockery.

Today I posted a poem I wrote on my Facebook about how much I’m going to miss my students when they graduate. A woman I’ve never met commented how she was a loyal fan reading the magazine column I used to write for eleven years and how much my words inspired her, and she hopes her son gets in my class next year. Those same articles she thanked me for, some used to mock me for…including some of my coworkers. But them attacking me has nothing to do with me, but a lack of love inside themselves.

Someone can’t give you a hundred dollars if they only have a twenty-dollar bill. It’s not their fault. My former student Peter reminded me that when building your body, rest is one of the most important aspects. Peter said he trains a different muscle every day. If you keep working out the same muscle every day, you’re not going to get big, and you might actually hurt yourself. You need to rest for those muscles to grow back bigger. The same is true for lifting the difficult people in your life, lift a different person each day. Stop giving your attention to the same person day after day, give them love and then let them rest so you can focus on loving all the rest of the people in your life.

You might spend an hour of your day in the gym and then you’re done. Be done with the difficult people and love them from afar.

Loving people who are loving, nice, and kind, is easy, it’s like only ever benching the bar. Nothing easy makes you better. The only way to increase your strength in the gym is more weight and more reps and putting the right protein in your body. The only way to increase your strength to love, is loving more mean people, more often. Just like the literal weights rip up your muscles, learning patience from impatient people, learning kindness from unkind people, learning listening from the loud, learning generosity from the greedy, learning forgiveness from the revenge seekers, learning truth from liars, is like adding more weight and God being your spotter shouting: come on, two more reps!!! You said you wanted to be strong…you said you wanted to lift the amount of love I can, so let me send you a bunch of unloving people so you can lift them up in love.

Far too often, we see a physically fit person and tell them we want our bodies to look like theirs until we see the workouts they do and the foods they don’t eat. Far too often we say we want to be a love like God loves until we realize that means loving the unloving person. Like the weights, their job is to rip your heart so it can grow back bigger. The cross around your neck can’t be mere decoration, but moral direction.

The only way to love God is to love like God and God had the biggest love muscles you’ll ever see. Talk to anyone with muscles and they will tell you a major part of that is not just the pump out, but the poisonous food they no longer put in.

You want to lift more love, you must stop putting in the excuses of why it’s okay not to love someone. All that “junk food” of they did this to me or that to them or they are mean or nasty or whatever derogatory term, because being spiritually fit requires you to love at first sight regardless of what you see and to love even more even after someone fails to love thee.

If you want to becoming spiritually fit, the best kind of workout is learning how to lift up the people who let you down. Only those who feel lower than you want to lower you. Only those who don’t feel good about themselves want you to feel bad about being yourself.  They who wish to bring you down are the unloving people God has blessed you with to lift up…and some will become more loving because of you, and some will hate you no matter what you do. Giving love doesn’t always improve the receiver but love always elevates the giver.

You cannot control how someone treats you, but you can ensure they don’t control how you treat them. Being kind to cruel people might not make them kind but will prevent them from making you cruel. Don’t let those who don’t love you keep you from experiencing the love of those that do. And someone not loving you is not an excuse to not love them.

Love isn’t about where it’s going but where it’s coming from.

We have a sick society. Most people are overweight and spiritually deficient. But you can change that one rep at a time. If you want to see God’s love from someone you have to be someone that shows God’s love to everyone. Which means loving those who don’t love you. Love isn’t about where it’s going but where it’s coming from. Unlike a bank account where the more money you take out the less you have, in a love account, the more love you give away today, the more love you can give tomorrow. Increasing the weight increases the strength and increasing the giving increases the ability to give.

Too many people are speaking about Jesus but not talking like Jesus. You cannot change someone by only talking about your love for Jesus, you must also show them the love Jesus talked about.

Look at top-shelf comedian Matt Rife. His career mimics his physical transformation. When he was in high school, he was bullied for being skinny. He started lifting weights and doing kickboxing and watching what he eats and now has sculpted a Greek god looking physique. Ironically, he is now mocked for being too good looking, as most people in his profession aren’t. The very activity he did to escape the ridicule just brought him ridicule. And yet, Matt doesn’t allow unloving people to make him and unloving person.

Matt is still nice and kind to them all, not because of who they are, but because of who he is…and his Papa would be proud of how much love he lifts. Matt and I suffer from extreme insomnia. I might get 1-3 hours a night and many nights none. I’ve gone a whole week with zero sleep. Doctors have told me they have no idea how I’m alive or even functioning, let alone get up on stage in front of a live audience every day teaching with enthusiasm.

I think my answer is the same for Matt: love lifts us because we can lift a lot of love.

Often, people need to see someone else do it first to know they can do it too.
Just as in the gym it will take months before you notice any changes in your body, it will take months before you notice the changes in your soul, but once you do, you will want more of it…and knowing the more love muscles you gain, the more love you’ll have to give and the less love you will feel in return…but the ROI is knowing for every troll commenting about roids, there is a beautiful soul searching for something greater, and only after seeing your example, did they believe they could be beautiful too.

My neighbor, Blake Trgo, in the above photo was so loving to me and made me feel welcomed into the neighbor. Blake was what Mister Rogers teaches us to be. He didn’t even know me when I moved in, but showed me love. You don’t have to know anything about someone to love them, you just have to know you are someone who loves. When you encounter those “heavy people” who are hard to lift, shift your thought from: “Oh my God!” to “Oh my, God!” Rather than exacerbation, celebration, because you see God in the difficult and He’s spotting you and this “heavy person” is also God building your heart muscle.

From: “Oh my God!” (Dread) to “Oh my, God!” (Delight). That one little comma changes the entire emotional meaning of those same three words just like changing one little thought changes what we experience. The comma makes us pause and can now give applause to the place where pain used to reside. If God still loves you when you behave wrongly, then God gives you people who wrong you so you can learn to love them like God loves you. The unloving person is there for you to lift up so you can be a more loving person. Strength is not about how loved you are but how loving you are.

My friend Finn Bradshaw added, “Just like the gym, personal trainers are sometimes needed to guide you and help you make incremental progress. Working out how to love someone and practice patience is hard work. Never be afraid to ask for help.”

Here is what lifting love weights feels like: Think of someone who has wounded you. When thoughts of anger or revenge come up, recognize them and then replace them with forgiveness and compassion. The power to heal yourself is already inside of you. The best thing you can ever do for spiritual development (lifting love weights) is to think of the worst things that have happened to you and then privately send love to the people who did it. Replace anger for what they did with compassion for the strength they lacked to do better.

When you hold onto hurt, you hurt. When you let it go, you are set free. It’s like those bamboo Chinese finger traps, the more you resist and try to move away from the other finger, the more you’re trapped to them. Only by pushing your finger towards the other person do you escape the trap and free yourself of them. Anytime someone says “F-You!” and you respond with “Bless you!” and mean it, you’ve found the deepest meaning of life: letting Love lead it.

So, get in the gym, let your muscles be ripped, for that’s how you get ripped. Heavier weights shred your fat and leave you looking shredded. Heavier people (harder to love) leave you proving that it’s possible for man to love like God by lowering himself to the bottom of the teeter-totter, elevating up the heaviest of people so they get a closer view of what Heaven looks like…doing so is the greatest strength of all.

Steven Andrew Schultz

Steven Andrew Schultz is a nationally published author with his stories published in over 12 books and multiple national magazines and local newspapers. He also wrote a monthly magazine column for eleven years in Fountain Valley Living Magazine. He has twice been elected to the School Board of FVSD and is a teacher at FVHS.

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My Time with Captain Dane Zisko

By: Steven Andrew Schultz

He died one year ago. I don’t know how much longer I can continue to see students get buried, but today I will do my best to lift Dane up in love and give you a little insight into the young man I spent every day with for a year.

I’ve taught over 3,000 teenagers, and Dane Zisko is the only one to email me on Christmas morning just to wish me a Merry Christmas. Something like that sicks with you. Dane’s impact is like honey; it doesn’t easily wash away. In that Christmas email Dane thanked me for a letter I wrote him and said my words brightened up his week after he was feeling a little down. Dane told me I was a “great teacher” and thanked me for “spreading love” and then ended the email with the salutation of “Love, Dane Zisko, Period 3” What a wonderful Christmas present Dane gave me.

Love seems to run deep in the Zisko family. Two months before Dane’s email, Amber, Dane’s mom, emailed to give me encouragement as I was gone caring for my ailing mother in Michigan. Amber is a teacher too, like my mom and I. Normally parents only reach out to complain about a grade. How refreshing it was to get that boost from Amber during a difficult time for me. I did not realize the first time Amber and I would meet would be at Dane’s funeral. She hugged me and thanked me. I sent them a bunch of Dane’s writing from the year earlier when he was my student and his father got to read a hero essay Dane wrote about him that he had never seen. I can’t fathom their pain, and I mourn not only their loss, but also what the world is now missing.

Dane was different. People with such high intelligence and intense empathy suffer the most because they have a brain big enough to see the corruption of society and a heart big enough to feel the cruelty of that corruption. I never knew what the phrase “ignorance is bliss” meant when I first heard it until I read enough books and experienced enough unethical people that I wished I could go back to the bliss of not knowing the truth of how so many humans behave. Dane was going to change the world, but the lack of love in it broke him before he could build us.  

That’s something his mom and I spoke about: Dane’s inherit goodness that shined through like sunbeams in a forest. His light was so bright he could glow at night. But now the world is dimmer due to Dane’s early departure. So, it’s on us to increase the wattage of our shine and give our light away. Dane wrote once, “It’s a choice to truly love someone or something, so choose to love everyone.” Let’s choose love so more children will choose life.

One of the first times I remember really seeing Dane was when he fervently stood up for his position in class. I had spoken to him earlier in the year that he was incredibly intelligent and creative, but too timid, and he needed to be bold in raising his hand and sharing his thoughts. Dane was coachable and someone who would reflect on feedback given to him and put in the work to implement that desired improvement. So, one day I told the class a scenario about how I almost stepped on a snail the night before and how my friend laughed at me for being relieved that I saw the little guy before catastrophe happened and then helped him cross the road so no one else would step on him.

My question for my class was “Did saving this one single snail’s life really matter?” And to my chagrin, many of the students said it’s no big deal to step on a snail, but this is the day Dane found out how to be bold and not let the sounds of the majority drown out the volume of his voice. He argued that what I did mattered and people should care more and not harm creatures that are harmless.

Later on, Dane would write about Snails and he would say, “Snails aren’t seen as valuable, but snails have big, beautiful eyes that allow them to see what others can’t. The snail only moves when it has to, and that’s what makes it beautiful.”  

Every time I see a snail, I now think of Dane. I even bought a decorative snail that has colored gems on it and a snail Lego set. I read to Dane’s class one of my favorite poems called “Valentine for Earnest Mann” written by Naomi Shihab. It’s a story about a man who gives his wife a skunk for Valentine’s Day because he thought they were beautiful. His wife cried and ran away. But a poet can find beauty in the most unlikely places. Ray Bradbury wrote that “Writers eat the world and vomit lava.” It’s the same sentiment as the skunk poem, just because for thousands of years the world had said something is repulsive, you as a writer must ink the link from what was to what is. Dane did that on the day he told the world it’s morally repugnant to step on snails. When people say, “We don’t do that here” a writer responds, “We do now, because I’m here.”

A few weeks ago, I was thinking of Dane…I think of him often. I was with my boy looking at this condo for rent, and as we walked up to the front door, there were a few snails in the doorway. I told Jax about Dane and how he defended my position that saving a snail’s life matters and that we should never step on snails because they do no harm to humans. My nine-year-old looked up to me and said, “Let’s move them into the bush so no one else can step on any snails.” My heart smiled watching this little boy work to save the snails and I knew Dane’s work was continuing.

When I returned from my trip to Michigan in the fall that Dane was in my class and his mother emailed me, I saw a vintage Air Force fighter jet on display in the airport and took a photograph of it and showed it to Dane when I got back. Dane was training to be a pilot and had already flown many times with his father which he would regale me in stories about. I gave Dane the nickname of “Captain” and Dane said once he got his pilot license, he would take me on a flight.

I have my students create a Life Logo that serves as a symbol of a philosophy they want their life led by. Dane chose a fighter jet and the words he chose as most important to him were Generosity, Wisdom, Leadership, Creativity, Strength, Guidance, Character, Love, and Free Will. Over the year I spent with him, I saw Dane demonstrate every single one of those aspirational attributes.

Here are some thoughts Dane wrote while in my class:

“The control surfaces on an airplane have to be strong enough to move the plane. In life, you need to be strong enough to change your life and the life of others.”

“Leadership is the ability to love everyone the way they are but show them how to be greater and love greater.”

“The intake supplies the engine of the aircraft with fresh air. This increases the thrust. By giving you become a more loving and happy person. Generosity inspires and increases the love.”

“You have the choice to help or hurt others. One action doesn’t only affect you but everyone around you.”

“Be creative. By being creative you find the fun in the mundane.”

“Love everyone the way they are. Love must guide you in everything through life.”

“Your character holds everything together.”

“Space is infinite, and with the love you give away you can affect others even after death, becoming infinite.”

Dane should be getting ready for his high school graduation in a couple months. He would visit me his junior year. His smile always entered the room before he did. He always seemed to be smiling and gave no indication he was suffering. A couple months before he died, I remember thinking to myself: Dane hasn’t visited me in a while.”

In January, when Dane found out I was the third teacher at FVHS to get this rare spinal tumor, Dane told me “You are such an inspiration for everyone and I know you can get through this.” I wish Dane knew how much of an inspiration he was to me and so many others and that we needed him to get through and stay.

Nine days before Dane died I had my last interaction with him. I asked when he was taking me to the sky and he said, “Once I get my PPL” he walked past my classroom and I told him to have a great day and he waved goodbye to me and walked towards the baseball field. That was the last time I saw Dane. I wish I would have ran over to him and hugged him and someone been able to alter the future.

Almost every day after 5^th period, I stand out on the porch of my little portable classroom and I wave to students, and what none of them know as they wave back, is how much my heart is searching for Dane’s face, wishing we got more goodbyes.

I never got to fly with Dane, but this past fall I took my boy, the same one who saved snails with me, on his first ever plane ride. We flew to Michigan and I showed him the fighter jet I showed Dane.

On April 1^st, an assistant principal of FVHS opened my classroom door and asked me to step outside. He broke the news to me that my former student, Dane Zisko, died earlier that morning. It felt like deja vu, as this was the fourth time in as many years that I was pulled out of class to be told a former student was dead. At least this time the school gave me a substitute teacher to cover my classes the rest of the day instead of making me teach like the three times prior.

I walked away and turned the corner and immediately saw one of my current students who was on the wrestling team with Dane. He walked up to me and hugged me, and we both cried in each other’s arms. I left him and walked past all the wrestlers and headed toward the English lounge. Dawn Lawyer’s classroom door was right next to the door I was seeking refuge in and she saw me crying and asked, “Are you okay?” and I said, “No. Another kid is dead.”

My back slung against the wall and I started sobbing as I slide down and fell to the floor. David Theriault picked me up and hugged me while my tears and snot stained his shoulder. I cried out, “I don’t think I can do this anymore. I can’t keep burying kids. It doesn’t feel like I work in a school but a trauma center.”

David held me up physically like he has held me up spiritually for sixteen years and told me my kids needed me. After gathering myself, I walked back to my classroom and printed out Dane’s writing to give to his family and a couple pieces for his wrestling coach. More of his teammates walked into my classroom sobbing, looking for solace. I looked at the pilot’s wings sitting on my shelf that I told Dane I would give him the day he took me up for a flight. My captain was gone and I knew society just lost a savant.

I started thinking of sunflower seeds I used to suck on as a kid. Sunflower seeds in your pocket was a must for any baseball player. Although, unlike the rest of the players, I never knew how to crack them open. So, I’d just suck on them for flavor and spit out the whole shell with the seed intact, trying to fit in and hope no one would notice. But I never fit in and never made friends with any of my teammates. And I wondered, if, perhaps, Dane was like me and never really fit in. He seemed to have friends though and had a girlfriend. But maybe, all we saw was the shell of him and not the seed untouched inside.

The summer after his death, I was back in Michigan. My mom’s favorite bird to watch is the Cardinal, and the seeds that attact them are sunflower seeds. I always filled up her bird feeders with sunflowers seeds. Sometimes the birds spill some seeds into the soil below which the Ducks usually feast on.

A few weeks into summer, a single sunflower had bloomed right underneath the balcony where the bird feeders rest. Seeing that sunflower made me think of Dane. Even though he was buried, his impact is immortal and still producing light. Like Dane wrote, “if you give enough love away you can affect others after death.”

When I was a boy, my dad and I watched this television show called Star Trek The Next Generation. And at the beginning of every episode this celestial music plays as glowing orbs of galaxies float by and the voice of Captain Jean-Luc Picard narrates “Space. The Final Frontier. To boldly go where no one’s gone before.” And then the spaceship called The Starship Enterprise bolts off into lightspeed and left behind is a beam of light.

I rewatched some episodes this summer, and I picture Dane, out there, exploring new worlds, boldly going where no one has gone before, like he did the day he stood up for snails. And although I cannot see him, I still see that light beam his starship left behind. Dane once wrote that his goal is to “aim for the stars and when you get there, aim higher.” So, that’s where I see Dane, trekking through other galaxies, spreading his light, teaching other species how do to what humans fail to do: love everyone.

All life on earth is only possible because of dead stars. You are literally made of the ashes of exploded stars. Light takes a long time to reach us, so we can see light from stars who died years ago. Years from now, the light of Dane Zisko will still be visible. I was waiting for him to take me up in flight, but now, it is I, who will take Dane with me wherever I go.

Last week my son came home from school and he was really quiet, and Jaxen is never quiet. His mom and I were walking with him through this nature center and after a while he said to me, “They killed living things!” And I said, “What do you mean, buddy?”

Jax told the story that today at school there was a jumping spider at recess, and one boy tried to kill it and Jaxen told him not to and explained all the cool things jumping spiders can do. And some other kid yelled, “Yo, Jaxen!” And then stepped on the spider and killed it and they made fun of him for caring.

Then, later in the day, my boy found a rollie-poly on the ground and some kid tried to kill it, so Jaxen begged him not to and picked it up in his hand. Another kid kicked my son’s hand to try to knock it out, but Jaxen kept it secure. Then the boy kicked his hand again and the rollie-poly fell and the kid stepped on it, and they laughed at my boy.

Jaxen said to me, “why would they go through all that effort to kill a living thing? A roly-poly never hurts anyone, just like the snails. You shouldn’t crush something that can’t crush you! Why would they want to kill a living thing?”

And right as Jax said “living thing” his nine-year-old voice trembled and he began to cry. He wrapped his arms around me and cried into my chest while I held him. I told him I admired his heart and that it was okay for men to cry about important things. I told him I didn’t have the answers as why some people take glee in destroying others and killing living things, but people with big hearts like him are rare and what’s rare is more valuable and that I was proud of him for trying to protect that rollie-poly. I told him that when I was his age, I was afraid of all bugs except for Lady Bugs and rollie-pollies because a roly-poly doesn’t bite or hurt humans, but is actually beneficial and cleans up waste in the ground. And other kids would make fun of me for trying to protect the roly-pollies.

I said that he showed more empathy and care for that dead rollie-poly than millions of Americans have shown for hundreds of dead children just killed by American bombs and no matter how old he gets or how many people make fun of him, to guard his heart so it’s always big enough to cry over, and care for, the smallest creatures. In this family, we don’t step on snails.

As I looked into my son’s tear-filled eyes as he looked up to me and said, “I love you, Stevie-pooh” I saw the single sunflower underneath my mom’s birdfeeder, and I knew that even though Dane was gone, his light was still here.

Last week as I was touring Gisler Elementary school in my duties as an elected School Board Trustee of the Fountain Valley School District, I saw a roly-poly and a snail on the ground and picked them up and put them in the plants. Today, while touring Cox Elementary school, as I was leaving to drive to Fountain Valley High School to teach, I almost stepped on a roly-poly. I took a photo of it and sent it to Jax.

Tomorrow, April 1^st, is the one-year anniversary of my former student’s death. I will go to work wearing a t-shirt with colorful snails painted on it and I will tell my current students Dane Zisko’s story and read them this article I wrote to honor him. And in my big, childlike heart, my hope is, tomorrow there will be more rollie-pollies and snails alive, because Dane, Jaxen, and I, made the choice to love everyone.  

“Not everyone has the heart to stay in the fight when times are tough, not everyone can get up when others bring them down. Embrace the grind because Life is worth fighting for.” – Dane Zisko

Steven Andrew Schultz

Steven Andrew Schultz is a nationally published author with his stories published in over 12 books and multiple national magazines and local newspapers. He also wrote a monthly magazine column for eleven years in Fountain Valley Living Magazine. He has twice been elected to the School Board of FVSD and is a teacher at FVHS.

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By: Steven Andrew Schultz

I’ve been avoiding writing this. Since she died, this is the one thing we still had left to do together, and it’s as if once I finish writing her tribute, that final period is it, we won’t have anything left to do together.

Yesterday, February 6hth, 2026, our song came on the radio, “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis. I did not realize until later, this was the day before she died. Taryn would insist we roll down the windows for that song, and she would belt out those tunes to her heart’s desire, and when that chorus hit, she got the shy guy next to her to join in, too. And I never sing, but Taryn was that friend that was so free of judgement, she could transform “nevers” into now!

I turned to glance at my empty passenger seat, and pictured her there, hair flowing in the wind, and I rolled the windows down, hoping it would be a heavenly invitation and somehow, she could make a surprise appearance like when the moon is visible during the day.

A few flicks of my left thumb on the button on my steering wheel to increase the volume, so she could hear her song. “Closed off from love, I didn’t need the pain, Once or twice was enough and it was all in vain.”

It was the first time I actually paid attention to the lyrics of the song. Before it was just a catchy vibe that my friend would blast the volume to and so singing together, we had a blast! It was pure unadulterated bliss. But now, I started to listen to the words of that song my friend got so excited about:

“Time starts to pass, before you know it, you’re frozen, ooh.

But something happened for the very first time with you,

My heart melts into the ground, found something true,

And everyone’s looking ‘round, thinking I’m going crazy, oh.

But I don’t care what they say, I’m in love with you.”

Youtube link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_weSk0BonM&list=RD7_weSk0BonM&start_radio=1

As I started singing the song, I realized it was the first time I had to sing it solo. And it was the first time I wondered if those lyrics she would sing as she looked directly at me many years ago and danced around the car and shook her head and her hair flung around in the wind like a wild horse free on the beaches of an uninhabited ocean, I wondered if those words song by Leona Lewis were actually Taryn trying to tell me something?

In my early-twenty-something-year-old naivete, was I missing out on a message? Being on the autism spectrum, I don’t pick up on social cues or subtleties, I need loud, direct, clearly stated, neon sign, billboard messages. But women rarely speak like that; women speak in Morse code that many men can’t translate.

Only at her funeral did I understand that Taryn really loved me. Autism means to live internally, but Taryn would show a love that allows you to live eternally. In our early and mid-twenties, Taryn and I were close friends. I was living with her best friend Katie Trott, and Taryn gave me the nickname of ‘Roommate” and although Taryn was not on our lease, she practically lived with us. Like the show Friends, which was her favorite, she was always over, and her son would play with Katie’s son, and I would play make-believe games with both of them, and I would later learn that my ability to play in a make-believe world and entertain their sons, made them both enamored by me.

I was in Neverland and Taryn and Katie were my pixie dust, and together we made Happy Thoughts every day that I thought would last forever. But life is not Neverland, and people grow up. Soon Taryn and Katie would get married, and Taryn moved away and our relationship went from one of close proximity to digitally, kept alive through social media and text messages. Taryn meant so much to me, but I didn’t fathom that I mattered to her too.

Most people in my life wanted something from me, but no one seem to want me, except for Taryn. She was genuine gold in a gift shop full of counterfeit gems. At her funeral, I understood I was more to her than a memory of her youth, as person after person came up to me and said with excitement, “Oh, you’re roommate. Taryn spoke so highly of you.” Each time stunned me, as I did not know she spoke about me to her friends. I erroneously thought she saw me as a vintage jersey that someone takes out of the attic time-to-time to remind them of time gone by, but Taryn was still wearing me like her favorite jacket. I wasn’t a relic; I was still present in her life.

The Speech I gave at her funeral:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHJonoOFtGU&t=4s

Even after death, her love was still making me feel loved. That is what she was so brilliant at: making others feel loved. And now it’s almost a year to the day she died, and I was riding in my car singing our song and understanding it through her lens for the first time and was reminded that love is the only source that defeats time. Like doesn’t last but Love never expires.

Taryn’s love is like a jar of honey; it never goes bad and everything you add it to tastes better because of it. I keep one of those teddy bear shaped honey jars on a shelf in my classroom, to remind me of her and to inspire me to give all my love away each day, with no thought of anything in return, but love is a gift that always appreciates over time. Through love you live forever. The dead body is not our remains; the love we gave away in life is what remains.

So, there in my car, as the chorus hit, I heard her. She was singing with me because she never stopped singing with me. Cancer took Taryn Audrey’s physical proximity away but transformed her into an eternal intimacy that stays, that sings!

Can you hear her? The chorus of our song goes:

                  “Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love

                  I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love

                  Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love

                  Oh, you cut me open and I

                  Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love.”

To keep bleeding means you might be losing life, but to keep loving means you never fully die. Taryn Audrey is this song for she was cut open many times, and she chose to keep bleeding love. She didn’t bleed revenge, or cruelty, or meanness, or lose her faith in Jesus, she kept bleeding love. When she was betrayed by the person she loved the most and he left her, that really cut her open, but Taryn never became “closed off from love because of the pain” she kept bleeding love and found a boyfriend even while battling cancer.

When she was given terminal cancer and had to go to hospital visit after hospital visit, knowing she wouldn’t get to see her three babies fully grow, that cut her, but she kept bleeding love. Even towards the end, as I was angry with God for what was happening to her and so many others in suffering, she kept praising Jesus…Taryn kept bleeding love.

In fact, the last thing Taryn ever sent me, a day or two before she died, was a literal heart emoji…as she was fighting to breathe, she kept bleeding love.

I only wish I visited more. I didn’t want to take time away from her and her children and family and friends for some old friend, but at her funeral I found out she never stopped bleeding love for me either.

Towards the end, I asked her if I could interview her and put her answers in a tribute article I would write for her. As she always did, Taryn sent me compliments of how much she liked my writing and how she would love to be one of my articles. I sent her the first batch of questions with a in-person interview to follow. She emailed me back her answers, but cancer never gave us the opportunity for the in-person interview.

I will cherish that my final words to my friend was: “Sending you love. Praying. What can I do?” And my friend’s final gift sent to me was her heart, both as an emoji and from all the people at her funeral who let me know her love for me was not something from the past, but very much still present.

Love is never a period but an ellipsis, meaning with death there is pause, but something more is to come…Her love and God’s love is always present, and her death cut me open, but I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love…

Here are the words of Taryn Audrey:

What is my message to the world?

Take risks. Laugh. Forgive. Be kind.

What is my message to my kids?

“Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. You’re going to do great things, I already know. God’s got his hand on you so don’t live life in fear. Forgive and forget, but don’t forget why you’re here. Take your time and pray.” -Sidewalk Prophets

What have been some of the most important lessons I’ve learned?

The only things that matters in this life on Earth are love and the relationships I have. It’s that simple. Distractions and deception have consumed us.

What do I wish I knew when I was younger?

I wish I understood then how much the decisions I made when I was younger would affect me later in life – the easy, hard, good and not-so-good decisions. Every thing in my life – relationships, work, hobbies, etc. – is tied to a decision I made at some point.

Personal message to Steve?

I believe you are doing the Lord’s work. His will for your life is apparent to anyone who’s known you for 5 minutes or 5 years – spreading love and kindness. You have and will continue to make a difference in many, many lives. Your influence is priceless. The genuine intention, loyalty and meaningfulness within you can’t be missed.

Who would I want to spend my last day alive with and what would we do?

What are some of my favorite memories with Steve?

Random drives around town, going to the movies, late night game nights, our laughing fits and inside jokes.

How has the divorce, becoming a single parent of 3 kids then being diagnosed with a rare cancer impacted my faith in God?

At first, I grew distant from the Lord and fell away from my faith. I didn’t understand why my then-husband wanted out. I had no idea how I was going to care for a home, work full-time and care for 3 kids and 2 dogs alone. I couldn’t believe I was diagnosed with cancer. It all happened within 7 months and it was a whirlwind. I didn’t know up from down. The kids and I didn’t have enough time to properly grieve the loss of our family before the diagnosis was given. We were thrown back into a storm while still trying catch our breath from the last one. But, in the darkest of times I found God again. He showed up in big and small ways. My feelings of loneliness, confusion and anger miraculously turned into comfort, clarity and an inexplicable sense of peace. Over time, my relationship with God has grown deeper. The last year and a half has completely changed who I am as a person…ask anyone who knows me well.

Steven Andrew Schultz

Steven Andrew Schultz is a nationally published author with his stories published in over 12 books and multiple national magazines and local newspapers. He also wrote a monthly magazine column for eleven years in Fountain Valley Living Magazine. He has twice been elected to the School Board of FVSD and is a teacher at FVHS.

leadloveelevate.com

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